I celebrated my birthday last week – actually celebrated it, and had a blast doing it! I rounded up all the usual suspects and hosted a fondue at my house.
We were too busy catching up and chatting and drinking wine and beer to be fussed about eating as soon as the fondue was ready, so the cheese began to set in the pot and we had to “fix” it, so it wasn’t quite perfect. But it was delicious and I wasn’t the tiniest bit anxious about anything. I ate until I couldn’t anymore, and drank cherry cocktails out of pretty cocktail glasses, and danced to 80s music as if no-one was watching.
Much about this birthday has been significant for me, for various reasons – one of which is the fact that this is the age my father was when he died. I’m not sure why, exactly. It’s not that I’m especially emotional about it, or anxious about my own mortality.
Another “big thing” about this birthday is, I suppose, its proximity to the next big number (round it off by two more short years and I’m there) – and there’s some serious planning to do for that one because it’s going to be epic!
But what has really stood out for me at the close of this last little jaunt around the sun is how changed I feel.
I’ve made many changes over the past few months, most of which I think are pretty much invisible to all but those who know me especially well. But I feel those changes and I feel how different I am from the woman, wife and mother I was just a year ago.
I didn’t do a “2017 Review” post at the end of last year; I had intended to but found myself rather busy living and being present in my own life and having no time to spare. 2017 Was also a particularly rough year for me, emotionally. I didn’t catch the sads the way I have around September in most previous years, but I struggled with some big and deeply personal issues throughout the year. I questioned my identity, my quality of life, my personal values, my parenting capacity and just about everything else in between, and I’m still not sure how much of that I want to put out there.
However, it was also a year of tremendous change, as I have said. I quit my job, cut off my hair and started on a journey of self-discovery and empowerment that has taken me into and out of myself in ways I cannot describe with mere words. It has changed my general outlook, a number of my tastes and preferences, my inner dialogue and my capacity for human empathy. It has changed my approach to work and its problems and to raising my family. It has given me a glimpse of what I have the potential to be and I could not be more excited about the future.
This is 38, and I will never be the same again.